100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Fuel Efficiency
by Shenandoah76209
Summary: There's a time and place for experiments. Out in the Black is neither the time or place. Crew members who experiment with fuel will be dismissed from their post and confined to quarters.


**Rules** :

1\. Sheldon/Penny – They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9

3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

* * *

 **100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Fuel Efficiency**

Sheldon blinked as dark blue eyes similar to his stared back at him across the wave. Jayne looked dead serious and worried. It was a look Sheldon rarely saw which made it all the more disturbing. He saw that look when Jayne asked about a doctor for Mattie, when Jayne's father was killed, when Sheldon's mother went off the rails with religion. "Shelly, don't got much time. Engine's dead, life support with it, an' we're runnin' outa air. I'm sendin' our position. We need a catalyzer for our port compression coil. Ours blew an' 'thout it, we're dead in the water. Dunno if you'll get this in time or not. But tell Ma that I'm sorry an' that I love her. Take care a her an' Mattie will you cuz?"

The wave cut off after a stream of co-ordinates and Sheldon frowned as he read them. No wonder Jayne was worried. They were in the middle of nowhere, weeks from any shipping lane. What had their pilot been thinking?

Sheldon pressed the comm button and requested the first mate/pilot report to the bridge. Penny's hug was welcome as he explained the situation, "We're headed for this position. We need a catalyzer suitable for an ought three Firefly and as much fresh food, water and medical supplies we can carry."

"Sheldon that won't be any trouble, hard burn we'll make it in just under eight hours," Penny began the calculations. "We'd get there even faster if Leonard hadn't decided this was the perfect time to fool around with the fuel. I don't care how well his fuel would work in theory. With Howard's tweaks to the engine we'd be there in six hours but we have to baby the engine some until we're sure nothing is burnt out."

"Or we'll be on the drift." Sheldon nodded his understanding. "How are we for supplies?"

"Oh we'll be able to set your cuz up just fine." Penny smiled. "Even got some hardware for Howard to give their engineer. Raj just updated all our star charts and our navigation systems. And thanks to Bernie's work with the life support algae it produces oxygen at a faster rate. They'll be in great shape."

"So long as we get to them in time." Sheldon nodded. "Tell Leonard he's to consider himself confined to quarters." He shook his head suddenly, "No, get Raj up here to help you navigate. Fastest route you two can calculate."

Penny nodded. "You want me to fly?"

"Please." Sheldon sighed, "We'll need to replace two crew members with Leonard's...stupidity. Dr. Fowler has become impossible to deal with." He watched as his first mate and best friend called Raj and requested his presence on the bridge. "I'll inform Leonard of his confinement and let Howard know what's going on. Thank you Penny."

* * *

Thankfully Howard Wolowitz, while not a doctor, was the consummate professional when it came to his ship's engines. Explaining that they were now en route to rescue a stranded ship and Hofstadter's experiment had come at the worst possible time had unleashed a torrent of the engineer's fury over what the pilot/experimental physicist had done. "He coulda blown us outa the sky. This isn't some harmless stunt like rerouting the nav sats. If his calculations had been any more off, we wouldn't be talking about it. The engines aren't equipped for that type of fuel. This is a Treefrog, not a damn Arrowhead courier."

"I'm well aware Mr. Wolowitz," Sheldon nodded, his voice still mild. "Hofstadter will be confined to quarters. We'll be looking for another pilot and another medical doctor."

Howard's expression was a bit relieved. "Well that's a blessing. I think Penny's tired of Leonard hitting on her and I'm sure you're sick of Fowler's leering."

Sheldon nodded and took his leave, searching out the man who was convinced that he and Penny would have babies both smart and beautiful. And according to Penny, imaginary.

* * *

"Dr. Fowler please report to the cargo bay," Sheldon spoke into the comm absently as he stared down at the body of his pilot. Hofstadter's reaction to the news that he was being let go from the science/rescue/cargo vessel had not been good. Sheldon had expected disappointment, bitterness, and perhaps some anger. He hadn't thought the other physicist would be so enraged as to attack him. At least not while they were standing on the catwalk above the cargo bay.

Just as Dr. Fowler arrived in the cargo bay Penny's voice came over the coms and announced their arrival at the co-ordinates. "We've got another ship here besides Serenity and I don't-" She stopped and then started again. "Never mind, they're takin' off. I guess they didn't like the look of those gun-ports Howard an' Raj worked up for us a few months back."

Howard's voice came across the overhead speakers, "Concealing gun-ports now. Resuming normal posture."

"Docking with Serenity," Penny's voice took over again and Sheldon sighed.

"Dr. Fowler, please have Dr. Koothrapali assist you in removing Hofstadter's body from the cargo bay." He moved towards the cargo bay doors and flicked a few switches to open the hatch.

What he saw was a tall man taking deep breaths. "Captain Reynolds?"

"That's me, but you ain't the fella I was just talkin' to," the Browncoat nodded.

"Nope," Penny grinned as she entered the cargo bay. "That fella took off when we showed up. My guess is he was up to no good. But we got a catalyzer for ya."

"Where is Jayne Cobb?" Sheldon looked around the cargo bay, finding it empty of everyone but the captain.

"Sent my crew off in the shuttles, got heat an' air. Didn't want them to die along with me." Reynolds was still breathing deeply. "Got a button up on the bridge to call 'em back."

"I'm on it," Penny grinned and hurried up towards the bridge.

"I'll just slip the catalyzer into the compression coil." Howard held up the part and began to make his way to the engine room.

"Are you hurt at all Captain Reynolds?" Raj asked quietly. While he was able to speak to women now he still had a habit of silence he was slowly breaking.

"Nah, 'cept for a little bit a carbon monoxide poisonin'." Sheldon watched as Reynolds leaned against the mule.

* * *

When the shuttles returned Sheldon refrained from scrambling up to see that his cousin was alive and well. Dr. Fowler joined them at that time in order to aid in removing the injured first mate from the shuttle to the infirmary.

Sheldon watched as a slender girl with long dark hair accompanied his brother down the steps. "See Man Called Jayne? Family has rescued Jayne just as the girl's brother rescued her."

"Yeah moonbrain, so's I see." Jayne strode up to Sheldon and nearly picked his cousin up during the manly hug. "Good to see you Shelly. How ya been?"

"Well enough," Sheldon smiled slightly as he recognized Simon and River Tam from the cortex feeds. "You have fallen into august company cousin."

"Might could say," Jayne looked at River and shrugged. "Girl's as smart as you Shel. But they cut on her brain. Turned her inta a Reader."

Before Sheldon could ask for clarification the girl in question shrieked. "She will twist us into her monkeys!" Sheldon turned to see River staring at Dr. Fowler who was staring back as if fascinated. The girl continued to wail, her eyes wide and horrified. "She takes parts out and puts pieces in. She won't give us wings or show us how to fly, she'll just cut on us over and over."

"Hey, River girl," Jayne put himself between River in a protective manner Sheldon had only seen him assume with family. "This woman botherin' you?"

"She cut on her Jayne man. She will take her back and put needles in her eyes and cut on her brain until she Sees everything," River wept clinging to the huge man. "She cut on the girl."

"Shelly, you take care of my girl," Jayne's growl was not to be ignored and Sheldon gently took hold of the slender girl while his cousin stalked towards Dr. Fowler and with a powerful twist of his hands, snapped her neck.

Penny blinked as she came down the stairs to the sight of their crew member's lifeless body falling to the deck. "Uh, Sheldon, you wanna catch me up?"

"It appears that Dr. Fowler was less than honest regarding her employment history." Sheldon was looking at the corpse grimly. "How is our stock of corrosive chemicals?"

"Ah, don' worry 'bout that Shelly," Jayne grinned at him. "We got plenty of experience gettin' rid a corpses."

Sheldon sighed, "Of course you do cousin."

* * *

By the time they left Serenity, they had a new set of friends and Jayne had talked seriously with Penny about Sheldon. So when Penny kissed him Sheldon couldn't say he was too surprised. Or displeased.

* * *

 _Author's Note: So once I got started on my crossovers with Firefly I kept thinking of more ways for Amy and/or Leonard to die out in the 'Verse. And Out of Gas just cried out for an intervention by the Big Bang Crew. As always trollish flaming reviewers are thanked for driving up my pageviews._


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